remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
