You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
