At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
