I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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