I like my sex mixed with concussions.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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