Just took my morning after pill in the library
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
