So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
