Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
