there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
