What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
