i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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