Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
