yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
