She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
