I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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