I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
