i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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