I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
