Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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