I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
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We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
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The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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