i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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