my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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