I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
