It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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