Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
