In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
