Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
