roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She's the barista slut.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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