Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
