hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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