My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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