Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
