dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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