before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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