Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
