Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
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Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
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Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.