So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level