i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about