Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
