That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
