someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
