pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Even my vagina gasped.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
