i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
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Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
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Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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