i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
