Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She needs sedatives and a leash
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
