i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize