i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
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I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
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You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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