i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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