i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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