EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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