True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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