she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
