I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize