I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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