Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We left the knife in your bed.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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