the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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