I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
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Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
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You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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