you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
