If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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