I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
