She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
