Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
