Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
